(TL;DR: Kadar confess his love to Altair, things go really bad, but something happens.)
It’s very unusual for me to write this sad yet happy story in my metaphors book but I thought it’d be worth it write it down. It’s a little long but I was really inspired writing this. Here it goes:
It was December 25th, 2013 (yesterday, actually), and us teachers were still working on our cubicles registering student's grades whilst they were free for holidays break. In that moment, Kadar (my and every teacher's best student in all school) entered my cubicle; I greeted him and asked him what he was doing in school instead of spending his holidays in his home, free of work and stuff (though he really REALLY loves studying). He had his right arm behind as if he was hiding something and seemed very nervous, considering he's a very shy guy who deals with a lot of anxiety. I asked if he was doing okay and he nervously nodded. I said well, come here and tell me what happened. It's my own cubicle so there was no one else but us. He did as I said and then he rose up his face to me and showed his hidden arm to me holding a flower. It was a Daisy; this may sound "gay", like teenagers would say, but I love flowers for their complex details. I feel like I could write a whole philosophy with them. Anyways...
He was actually handing it to me and I took it and asked why. He confessed his love for me and I was just remained quiet, then about ten awkward seconds of silence I asked him how come he does. He told me the following:
"I always loved how smart you were, teacher. You have such deep words, high skills, I have always admired you. I dream to be like you one day..."
"Pause," I interrupted "does your brother know about this?"
"That I like you? Yes...."
"I believe he doesn't approve, right?"
"Of course not. He doesn't know I'm here, even."
I was worried sick about that. Malik basically forbids Kadar to even see me. He doesn't even like me to be his teacher when I have to be it. Malik overprotects Kadar so much after the accident. A recapitulation of the accident, I was picking them in my car after a party where I got drunk. I stupidly was driving and that almost cost THEIR life, not mine. I crashed the car against a cement pole, pressing Malik's left arm till rip it off and Kadar, since he was in the sits of behind and in the middle he got fly out through the windscreen smashing against pole leaving him into a coma. I, unfortunately, got some bruises; I wish I could have died instead of have made them pass through that. I don't blame Malik to hate me this much.
Anyways, I asked how could he still be in love with me after the atrocity I committed to him and them, which I'm deeply repentant. This is what he said:
"It was an accident, teacher, it could have happened to anyone, I guess. But I don't care. I do forgive you for this because you're regret of this and deserve to be forgiven. Some other people would just let it go and stay cynical all their life. I don't like hatred so I'd rather replace hatred to forgiveness. That's something my brother doesn't understand..."
Replace hatred to forgiveness... Such beautiful phrase I'll never forget, especially with the sweet voice of this boy. He then looked at me with those innocent and bright eyes. I then looked at the flower again and thanked it for it, but sadly, I couldn't be with him in a relationship. Not only for his brother but because I don't consider myself the "right" person to him. I feel Kadar follows more Plato's philosophy of Eros (Love) than other...or that's what I think. I'm no one to judge. I told him this said and his face was slowly becoming sad and hopeless. He was heartbroken and his eyes glassy.
"I understand..." he said.
I asked him to sit down in one of the two chairs that were in front on my desk, so I'd sit by his side and talk to him. I told him the next:
"Kadar, it's not that I don't like you that way. I just don't see you as a couple but more like a little brother I wish I could have had in my life. I'm kind of jealous of Malik for having someone as smart and sweet like you as a brother. Besides, Malik would never accept me as yours."
"Thanks, teacher..." he wiped out some tears "I wish I was Malik so you'd look at me as you do with him."
I felt guilty for rejecting him like this. He was wiping out many tears and started running his fingers through his hair and his face still down. Somehow, it came to me the following question:
"Kadar, how are you going to celebrate your Christmas?"
"Alone..." he said.
"Why is that?"
"My brother is my only family here. He's working double. In the morning he's working here in the school until 18:00 and then enters to work at a Coffee Shop to gain more money, since we're not doing economically well. This is why I'm doing my best to get high grades. So I'd get a scholarship to pay my studies and my brother wouldn't work so hard. He pays my studies. Comes back home at 2:00 AM. This is why he's always stressed..."
I felt even much worse with this. I didn't even know what to say or do to make him feel better. I already screwed up with the accident, then the heartbreaking, and now this? Damn. Here's where I start cursing and be clueless for not knowing what to do in this. But then...
"Teacher..." he shyly glanced at me "Would you like come to my home to watch movies or something? If you have no plans, of course."
He asked stuttering. I absolutely accepted. It's the least I could do for him: give him some company in a very important date. I have no plans, anyways. Before confirming, I asked about his brother being around and said he'll come back late. Until 2:00 AM. Damn, that's a really rough schedule. No wonder why he comes with a bad attitude every day. In the end, I said yes and he gave me a bright smile. That kind of smile that tells you how grateful and happy he is. I smiled back at him and patted his shoulder. He then called my name and asked very nervously if he could at least kiss my cheek. He glanced around, bit his lip, pressed his hands with each other and started blushing. Even with his very dark skin the blushing out stands a lot. I gave a chuckle and let him do it. He chuckled low and slowly approached to me and kissed my cheek for around, what, 10 seconds? Well, they were actually two kisses. Five seconds each.
I just finished registering the scores on the school's platform so I took my stuff and lead Kadar to my car and drove unto his place. Guiding me, of course. We reached his house, it's really small. Pretty, but small, and barely less than 3 meters of perimeter of grass. Inside was pretty too, like nice furniture and lamps but that's it. It barely can have two people inside it. Its not like mine is the great thing. He guided me to the living room's sofa. He offered me something to drink or eat; I said it was fine and thanks. He smiled and sat left beside me and asked what would I like to watch, either as movie or TV series; I said either was fine. He told me he likes Disney movies so much as if he was embarrassed to say it, but I'm okay with that since Disney has nice movies. Not a fan but used to watch the movies when I was a kid. He had like almost all the movies Disney produced and most of them were old school ones. I used to like Aladdin since it was like the closest movie to my race, but I wanted to watch one that I haven't. I chose Tangled and we started watching it.
The movie is quite nice so far. Flynn Ryder is a cool character. Kind of reminds me to Ezio but less whore. Haha. Well, there is a very lovely part of the movie where him and Rapunzel were in the lake seeing the lanterns. Kadar said it was his favourite part of the movie and I can really see why. The song is really pretty. I don't know why, but I got to turn my sight on Kadar; I laid my left hand on his right femur and pressed it softly. He was very focused on the movie until he felt my sudden touch and looked at me. Damn, he has really beautiful eyes. So oddly bright for someone of my same race. I couldn't stop looking at it. They were so hypnotizing, and the way he was looking into my eyes was so innocent. Nervous. Shy. I liked that. He was getting close to me and so was I. Then I lean slowly to kiss him. I liked the feeling of his nasal sighs on my face; same with his lips, which are also beautiful, in my opinion.
The kiss was a little off since he didn't know how to kiss. Seems like this was his first kiss in his young life, so I tried making it more developed. Such as sucking his lips and introducing my tongue. I wanted him to enjoy his first kiss ever. Or have something to smile with this Christmas.
He seemed to be enjoying it. Well, he put his hands on my shoulders so I can assume that. I held him from his sides and caress them. He let out a slight hum after that. It sounded so pretty...whoa, I really should stop making the word "pretty" so redundant on this text, but I can't help it at all. It's like every time I see him I think on that word. He's not really handsome but the way he smiles and how he is is just...pretty. Again.
Taking advantage of my hands running over his hips I ran my right to his crotch and pressed it a little. He then quickly opened his eyes and pulled himself back breaking the kiss.
"What is it?" I asked.
"I'm scared, teacher..." he said, holding his hands breathing rapidly "I'm scared..."
"Scared of what, Kadar?"
"What if I get hurt? What if my brother finds out you're here and loses control?" he started hyperventilating "Teacher, I'm scared. I'm scared I'll get hurt for this. I'm scared for it to hurt."
His hands were shaking so much and started rubbing them against his arms as if he felt an intense cold. He was having a panic attack. I took his hands and told him to look at me. Take a breath, I told him. Everything was going to be fine and there was nothing to be afraid of. I told him I'd be careful so it wouldn't hurt and that I'll go slowly.
Take a breath, Kadar. In, hold it, and out, I told him and so he did what I said. He seemed to be more calmed now. He's either scared of sexual contact or Malik's reaction. I think both.
I then hugged him and he did tightly, as if I saved his life or something. I asked him if there was another place we could be more comfortable and he said his room, so we went there. Kadar turn on some of his music. He always put music on so he feels relaxed. The music is interesting. I think it's one of those modern electronic music? I'm not into that music though. Anyways, I told to get laid so he could relax a little. He was very confused and looked at me with those innocent eyes again; he gave me a faint pretty (there we go again) smile and I gave one right back at him. Then I don't know why, I got laid on facing him and kissed him again, but this time more passionately. He gave me that faint hum again as he put his arms around my neck; caressing my nape, as I pulled him up without breaking the kiss to undress him and then myself. And well...it happened.
We made out.
Whilst we keep making out, I could hear a phone ringing. Either was that or part of Kadar's loud electronic music. I couldn't differ, but we kept doing it. It results it was Malik calling to Kadar's phone and since he didn't respond, Malik got worried sick and left the place where he was working as fast as he could to see if he was safe. When he arrived home, he called his brother's name to see if he was home. We stopped making out; the music still playing. Malik heard the music coming from his room and knocked it, since it was locked. Kadar was scared. He didn't know what to do or say. Neither did I, but then he figured out something quickly. He told me to hide under the bed; kind of an obvious place, but I did as he said. He also hid my clothes under the bed and I remained quiet. Kadar dressed up so fast that his shirt was the opposite side. He opened the door...
"Malik!" exclaimed Kadar "W-What are you doing here so early? Its 22:36. Weren't you supposed to come back at 2:00 AM?"
"Well, yes" responded Malik ", but I told my boss I needed to leave in a hurry to know where you were. I called you twice. Why didn't you respond?"
"Oh, it's...uh, I was..."
"You seem exhausted. Are you sick?" he landed his hand on Kadar's front to see if he didn't catch a cold or something.
"I'm fine, bro" he smiled.
Malik then hugged and kissed Kadar's front because he was worried that something bad would have happened. He indeed loves his brother. Malik wouldn't go back to his job until tomorrow so he'd stay to look after him for tonight. He noticed Kadar was watching TV since it was on, so he went to turn it off. But Malik noticed something different in Kadar's room. There were clothes on the floor, like coming out from the bed. It was weird for him, since he always folds his clothes and put them away, so he round his eyes as he smiled and said "Was it so urgent to watch TV to leave your clothes on...the floor?". He noticed those weren't Kadar's clothes but mine when he took them. I stayed as quiet as possible, but he kneel to check out and saw me. He opened his eyes widely and blurts out my name. I just stayed flabbergasted. Frozen. Even scared of what he could do. The he stood up and screamed Kadar's name furiously and mine as well to come out.
He started interrogating Kadar for an explanation. What am I doing here, why am I naked, etc. He just stayed quiet for few seconds, scared, and then told him we made out. Malik just stared at him and turned to me and punched my nose. Fuck. It actually hurt. I think he broke it. Kadar had to pull him back from hitting me. To be just one-armed hits really hard. He was screaming shit at me such as "fucking novice", "go the hell out of my house", "I'll fucking murder you" and so on. Kadar tried to explain him that this is something both of us wanted to do and he just kept glaring at me with hatred. He then took Kadar to the living room and started to quarrel him. This is what I heard:
“Brother, please calm down” asked Kadar.
“How do you want me to calm down when this just happened!?” shouted Malik “Tell me the truth, Kadar!?”
“Malik, you know I like him. I have always. But you never let spend time with him. He’s a good person…” he looked at him so sad, even tearing.
“GOOD PERSON? Have you forgotten what happened, Kadar!? That fucking shit of novice almost killed you, Kadar. And yet you dare to say he’s a “good person”!?”
“I’m sorry about your arm, Mal…-“
“I don’t care about my lost arm, Kadar! I could have lost every member if needed, but not your life, brother. My biggest fear on this life is losing you. I lost you once, Kadar, and I deny losing you again.”
“Brother, Altair is sorry for what happened. He told me how much he regrets for what happened. How much he’d rather have died instead of making us pass through this. He is a good person for the simple fact he recognized the mistakes he did in the past and now begs for another chance to show us he’s a different person. He’s not as he was before, Malik. He’s changed for good. If he wasn’t a good person, then he’d just don’t care anymore and he wouldn’t even show any sympathy for the accident. Give him the chance to show you he’s a new man. If you keep drowning in your hatred you’ll never be happy, bro. You’re only hurting yourself by showing all this negative feeling against him. I always knew Altair would change. This is why I love him. Even if he doesn’t love me back, it’s fine. If he’d rather be with you, it’s fine, too. Just as long as you’re happy, so do I. Replace hatred to forgive, Malik…” he wiped out his tears.
That phrase again. That meaningful phrase again. It’s stuck in my head now and I deny erasing it from it. Malik just remained quiet as he looked at him with sorrow and guilt. Guilt of how he let himself blind by hatred and seeing how unhappy Kadar is by seeing him destroy like this. He looked away down speechlessly. He took a deep breath and looked back at him.
“Stay here. I’ll go talk to Altair” he said.
Damn, he was coming to me. And I was still naked. Rapidly, I took my clothes and just got to wear my underwear and pants until he entered the room. I looked at him, with no words in my mouth. Neither him, so he just walked to me and sat by my left side.
“So?” I asked. “What are you waiting for? Break my face, my leg, cut off all my members.”
“I could do it. I should do it. But I won’t.” he said.
“You might have heard, novice. Kadar says that you’re sorry for this. That you tell him. But why you never tell me?”
“Because I felt it wouldn’t make any effect on that cold heart you have upon me. If I ever got your attention, was for insulting me or giving me orders. Even if it has no effect now or never again, I’m sorry for ruining your life.”
“I do not accept your apologize”
“No, you don’t. Kadar is right, Altair. You’re not the same man we met before. You changed…like he said.” He sighed and looked at me and so did I. “There’s nothing to apologize for.”
“Actually, I’m the one who should apologize for never giving you the chance to speak. I was so angry at that that I deprived Kadar of his liberty. Before the accident, he was very enthusiastic and happy. Now, he has high anxiety. Panicked. Unhappy. I don’t want anyone to harm him again. This is why I protect him from everything.”
“Sounds kind of stupid, if you ask me”
“What did you say?”
“Malik, if you want to prevent things to happen to him, then nothing will ever happen to him. Nothing good or bad. He needs to try new things so he can learn from his mistakes sometimes so he can survive in your absence.”
Malik looked at me and gave me a faint smile. He said when I’m serious I’m “almost” good. I just chuckled and looked at him. He gently wiped away the blood coming from my nose, then cleaned it with his shirt and landed his hand on my shoulder and ran it unto grasp my hair gently. As he did we got closer to almost reach our lips together, but then I got to saw Kadar looking through the door’s corner, which stopped me to kiss Malik. Kadar startled and got back slowly, knowing I caught him looking, but instead I told him to come in. Malik turned around and saw him enter. I made some space on the bed so he’d sit in the middle. He then sat and took both of our, my and Malik’s hand and told us how important we’re for him. Malik for being his most supportive familiar and best friend ever, and I as an example and role model. He wishes the three of us would stay together. I said it didn’t depend on me and then looked at Malik. He said it’d be kind of difficult since it’d be awkward living with a couple who get to have sex often or something. By that, he meant me and Kadar, since he’s allowing him to get close to me, but what Kadar wants is a polyamorous relationship. Malik startled and opened his eyes widely for the surprise Kadar came out with, and so did I. Malik wasn’t so approval on that, since that’d be incest between him and brother, but Kadar wanted that so he’d also get the chance to be with me. Haha, oh my god, I laughed so much at that that Malik had to shut me up. Malik had to think about it and I told him that this will stay in us, only. Nobody at school nor anywhere else should know about this. Besides, Kadar deserves more happiness than any of us.